New Beginnings

This morning - weighed in at 234. That's only 3 pounds less than when I rolled out of the hospital with two new little girls in car carriers. Sigh. This morning started out with some Celestial Seasonings tea (which manages to have some sweetness without any sugar - nice), and surveying the changes in our garage - my husband is pursuing his prey - one large rat that is living out there. We just brought the dog food back in. And he took apart the whole kit and caboodle out there trying to eliminate places to hide.

When he's out there, doing stuff like that, I get nervous. I take blame in my heart. "I bet I did something to draw the rats." And then I hide. And then I usually eat something to calm myself. I did eat lst night while he was doing it, but that was more of a "tomorrow you won't be allowed to eat ice cream for 6 days" eat as opposed to anything else. But, there is some truth to the combination of my internal processing of what happens in our house when there is a crisis and the ingestion of food. The ingestion of anything, really. I need comfort. I need support. I need to find a new source of that - comfort and support. I have several, but there are not always there in my house when the feeling of "I'm not good enough" comes up. But they COULD be. I could call a friend, even one in the Program. I could read some literature or a novel or something. I could cuddle my kids. I could go out and find some support if that's available to me. There are things I can do besides eating. I know that.

This afternoon went OK I guess. But I'm feeling uncertain and shaken a little - something that I would usually calm with "something." Now I just have thoughts. Wow - thoughts can be toxic little things, can't they? I am told that the whole point is to be in the moment, let the thoughts come and just do what comes next, the next healthy thing. Without revealing too much of what unsettles me, I'm frankly not sure of anything sometimes - most of the time, really. And I don't know what the next healthy thing is. Double Sigh. I need to call someone and talk it out. I am sure it's nothing but it feels weird - this feeling. I am promising myself to call someone and work it through. In fact - meaning to call someone around 5. Right now that's just an hour away.

Beyond that, the food thing is easy today. Propbably because it's new and it's a game at this point. Although I must say that eveing is always my hardest time. When it's quiet and the kids have drifted off and all the adults have gone off to their coners to do their own thing, I crave comfort. I love food at night. It keeps me company. Hurumph.

So I guess when I check in tomorrow morning I'll know more about how "easy" it is. Right now it's easy to keep busy. And really it always should be easy. I think it comes down to being restless right around the time that I should be quieting my mind. I have a hard time doing that.

Love to all.