Shifting Gears

Hey all,

So as I feared the weight loss the week before last on 4 Hour Body was due to illness. The scale has not budged this week.

SO, NOT GIVING UP! I promised the Mind Body nutritionist that if 4 Hour Body was not successful I would try the DASH diet recommended through the Mind Body Program

http://dashdiet.org/dash_diet_book.asp?google&gclid=CIjDqoXvpKgCFWUbQgodQTxmHQ

So I am going to try the DASH Diet with working out and an 1800 calorie goal. We decided that my calorie goal last time I tried the counting might have been too low. So we are experimenting with calorie goals.

Also, this week begins intensive physical training for my Ruth Climb on June 25th - lots of strength to build and goals to meet on that front.

So - 219.6 and holding. Trying new diet and WAY more exercise. I am TOTALLY keeping the kettle bells - however. Amazing amounts of fun, not time-consuming and I need to make big strides in upper body strength.

YAY!

Going down fast...

Well, I'm 219.6 today - made it past the "magick" number of 220 for the first time in over three years. Sure - the flu doesn't hurt, but I will take it where I can get it. I'm eating, I'm drinking, I'm keeping it all down for two days, so I'm OK, and I'm lighter. Is it cheating when you're sick?

Juniper is still pretty sick. She is still puking and has diarrhea. I hope she's well soon - we have a big trip planned for this weekend and I have snack at her school tomorrow. If worse comes to worse I could deliver snack to school and get another mom to serve it but I would just rather go to school. My dad's wife arrives on the plan tonight and was going to school with us also - I really want that to work out because the girls hate to miss school!

OK - so there you have it. I'm a little tired, much lighter than last week and I have a sick kid. That's the Readers Digest version.

The Most Tired Loser

well, I'm 221.2 today, thanks to the stomach flu. I've eaten one meal in the last 36 hours. Le sigh. And I am not able to work out at all because I'm really fatigued. And, my house looks like a bus hit it because I got sick right after the birthday party ended. I sure hope my energy comes back soon because I have a ton of stuff to do, two crews out through Thursday and my dad's wife lands @ SeaTac tomorrow @ 11PM. So this house has to look a LOT different by then. Ugh.

At least I did not get sick on the trip to Orcas. We should all be mostly well by then. BTW - I do not recommend getting stomach flu to lose weight. It's not pretty. Although..... it did wipe out an orgy of a cheat day. Man that was fun. I am so glad that I waited to cheat until the birthday party. And seeing how great Durin looks was a great source of inspiration for me. Thanks Durin!

At least I'm able to type today. Yesterday I sent one email and it was huddled over the computer shivering and wrapped in a duvet. I wore two duvets last night so I wasn't freezing while I slept. Super ugh. But, I do feel a little better today. Man that stuff is nasty!

OK - later gators.

Thaz right....

As Kai Rizdal would say..... "Let's do the numbers....."

(Queue "We're n the Money" by Billie Holiday)

221.8 - down 1.6 pounds since last cheat day, which was 8 days ago. It's not "Biggest Loser" ind of losing, but it is losing for real! YIP YIP!

And today is June and LoLo's birthday party. Outta sight!

Did I tell you guys that I was thinking of adding back my cardio? Well, I am. Because I like it and I miss it.

I've also been issued a challenge to learn to do a pull up. I shall learn. Anyone up for helping me with this?

Love love love,

Benni

I will keep moving forward

I am not going to give up. I'm at 224 right now. I'd have to lose .8 pounds by Sunday to break even, and 1.8 or more to show a net loss. But, my cycle started today, so that should help. But my energy is not so good during this time. Normally I would be doing emotional eating right now because of the moods swings. But not this time. And, I won't quit. This is just one week in the rest of my life. And I have a goal to meet.

I did 96 kettle bell lifts today over 3 sets. I'm feeling it. I also did three sets of 45 crunches. Feeling that, too. It takes no time at all compared to what I was doing in the past, and I'm hoping (that's what the book promises) better results. Seeing as 45 minutes of elliptical with free weights three to four times a week with calorie counting didn't do that much. I know this is working better.

One of my friends saw me last night after three weeks and was like, "WOW - you look awesome!" It's been a long time since someone told me I look awesome. Sniff sniff. Such a good friend (:

Thanks for reading - talk to you again tomorrow.

I'm following the plan......

.... even though right now I'm a little down at the results. BUT, I have to remember two things in particular. Well, three actually:

It's my pre-something something mumble mumble week. And I'm supposed to be retaining water that week. So there you go. Slowed progress.

Two - I swung kettle bells yesterday. This time I do not feel nearly as sore so I think I'l work out harder tomorrow and try to swing more times. Even the same amount of crunches did not hurt this time, so I'm building muscle, which weighs more than fat.

And three - I ate a little cheese yesterday. And the day before. Bad Benni.


Also, the farther I go into this book, the more I notice that there are TONS of little rules on what you should do and don't do and not really just 5 rules at all. Like you're supposed to drink grapefruit juice 20 minutes before the second meal on cheat day and do these crazy little exercises before each meal and the first meal is not anything you want but a high protein meal (which I've been doing, BTW), etc etc etc. BUT, as long as I continue to lose 1 - 2 total pounds per week I like the concept and I will stick with it. So I will have to make it back down to 222.4 or lower for that to take place. That rate of weight loss is also what is recommended by the nutritionist that I talk to through the Mind and Body Program. Right now I am weighing in at 225.4. That is what happens normally after each cheat day, and as I said before, with my "time" coming up it is entirely possible that I won't get the results that I'm hoping for this week and will have to wait out the hormonal stuff before my weight goes down again.

So I will keep with it and know that if I journal my food and water intake and continue my workouts three x a week that I will see results aplenty over time. No magic bullets. No instant cures.

OK - love to all.

Same as it ever was... Same as it ever was...

I got sad last night, and I had a relapse that meant that I did not lose any weight overnight. When I get sad I overdo it. And I did. And I feel tired this morning and not super joyful. I'm hoping to turn that around. There's a lot to love and a lot to look forward to. Today's a brand new day - a chance to start over. And I didn't gain weight from it. I just didn't budge the scale. It's OK - worse things could happen. Still working on the sad part so we will see.

My muscles also feel much better, so I can resume training on Monday. Looking forward to it.

It's Cheat Day - have fun out there (:

OUCH! MY THIGHS!

So I still hurt. If it's possible I hurt more today than yesterday! I guess that means I'm not swinging bells today, unless I want to be crippled! But, the good news is that I am down again - 223.2. YES! That rocks.

Last night was the auction dinner. I has 3 glasses of wine, which was over, and I had cheese, which I'm allergic to and is not allowed in the plan. But I still showed a loss this morning. Not in the eczema department, though. There I'm showing a GAIN (rash on my leg this morning - ugh). Food allergies drive me crazy! It's something you've eaten all your life until one day..... your skin looks horrible and they point to the food you love the most. Suckage. Well, I'll just keep on keeping on.

I have one more weigh in before cheat day. Very excited. Going to do a good job of tracking protein grams and water today - this ALWAYS helps produce a loss for me. I do wish I could work out today, but I believe more harm than good would come of that. Although I should stretch. Yep - need to stretch.

That's it for now. Hope you guys are rockin' it!

Hells Bells!

So, for the update - 224.0. Officially .4 pounds lighter than last week and two more weigh in day before cheat day. I may lose, but I may gain, too, because I am starting to pump myself up with kettle bell swings. YOWZA!! I did 85 of those little swings yesterday and I thought, "This can't be it. I mean really?" I was sure that I wouldn't be sore today. WRONG! Totally sore, but not crippled by it - not deterred. I will definitely do another set when the pain subsides. It's supposed to only take two sets of 75 swings a week to get buff! There was a lady in that pdf manual I sent around yesterday who was heavier than me and lost 45 pounds in 12 weeks and 100+ pounds overall and all she did was those kettle bell swings!! Can you believe that?!? I guess it all comes down to having more muscle to burn the calories and all that. But since muscle weighs more than fat I may gain again before I lose. Can definitely tell that I did something for sure!

I have to go to an auction for my kids' school tonight at an ITALIAN RESTAURANT!! Guess who's going to be filling up on antipasto? Moi, of course. AND and my two glasses of red (: That I can have.

I'm glad this is working. I'm glad the workouts are that easy and all I have to do is eat certain foods during the week and work out only twice if I want to and that's it. I love cheat day (just two short days away - sigh), and I never pig out on those days. I really don't. I have all these fantastic ideas about pigging and and then I get there and it's like it takes awhile for my stomach to want to sign onto that. Last week I bought Mighty O doughnuts for cheat day and I didn't really enjoy them. I did, however, promise the girls that we'd have pie for breakfast on Saturday, since I had to make a pie for their school auction and none of us got to eat it. I think Dutch apple pie - always my super favorite!

OK - gotta clean and get dolled up. Bye bye!

Results Totally Typical?!?

I have stayed @ 225.4 for 2 days, but this is not shocking at all. I think that the cheat day does good things for me psychologically and physically and it takes at least two days for the effects to subside. Then I lose weight. Last week I lost over 2 pounds - almost three. That was after a 7 pound loss on the first week. I haven't heard of anyone continuing that for weeks, and it seems like even under doctor supervision to be a bad idea to lose that much weight that fast.

I'm reading the pdf document of the prescribed workout in this plan. I'm not seeing any cardio here. I'm only seeing strength exercises - mostly Russian kettle bells (we have those - THANKS ANDREA!!). That jives with how I have experienced weight loss post-babies. Cardio alone definitely doesn't work. Even doing cardio plus circuit training was not having an effect on calorie counting for me. But this is working. And now with careful planning I will add another layer to my efforts for an added effect! I'm excited. I know I can do what he's asking here. If anyone wants a copy of the prescribed workout write me and I'll shoot you a pdf copy. I have never worked 1 on 1 with a personal trainer before but what he's describing seems simple and effective. And not necessarily easy - just short and to the point. That's encouraging.

I put on a pair of pants today that I haven't been able to wear for MONTHS! They were so ugly when I put them on it was totally live putting toothpaste back in the tube and it was oozing out the top everywhere - icky. Now I'm sitting comfortably in these pants just writing an email and they are not cutting into me at all! I think my measurements are going down faster than my weight. Tim, the author, says many times that this would be the case often. I need to remeasure myself. I did a waist measurement at the beginning of the Mind Body Program that I started at Jole's work and I know that my waist has gone down at least 2 inches since I started. Pretty cool.

OK - have SO MUCH work to do (always) so I have to go. Love you guys!

No blog = good blog

I haven't been writing since a) we've been very busy in a very good way, and b) I hit a 10 pound loss on Saturday morning - what a great way to start cheat day (224.4). This morning it's obvious that I'm still carrying quite a bit of retained water from cheat day (227.4), but this is predicted and expected in the 4 Hour Body. Some people retain as much as 8 pounds of water for 48 hours after your prescribed cheat. But MAN do I feel better already. My clothes fit better, I'm feeling more slender and have increased..... energy. That it, energy (:

Today is busy. The HOT TUB GUY IS HERE!!!! And he's designing a more efficient way to bring the hot tub back into all our lives, sports fans!!! YIPPEE!!!!! Thanks, honey, for making that possible (that's to Jole). I'm very excited. That tub has been closed up for over a year, so I'm ready for the hot tubbing to commence!

Now, for my next psychological barrier - 220. I said at the beginning that I won't believe it's real until I'm under 220. And I also have a goal on top of that to reach 218 (which is the 16 pound loss that I wanted to reach before the climb). Things are moving so fast I feel like that might be only 2 weeks away!

I may also pick up the Amen Solution, which is an approach to weight loss and overall health which was developed by Dr. Daniel Amen, and for someone like me who has issues with brain function anyway (diagnosed ADD) then this makes a lot of sense to me. I have to say that since I've started overall taking better care of myself mentally, physically, and spiritually, things have improved a lot! And I hope to keep the good times rolling - so proud of myself, no matter what happens to my weight.

One of the tips that I'm already using from the Amen Solution are the supplements that increase brain function. Must note that my mom already told me these were effective before I even saw Dr Amen's brain research (my mom is so smart):

B Complex 50mg
DHEA - I'm taking 25mg but my mom only takes 10mg in time release
Omega 3 fish oil 1000mg
A daily multivitamin (I'm taking a Safeway prenatal which is working for me right now)

Now, here's the disclaimer - DON'T DO ANYTHING UNLESS YOU TALK TO A DOCTOR! I'm not a friggin' doctor, people. So if you want to use any of these supplements you should talk to a doctor first. Also note that DHEA SHOULD NOT be taken by pregnant women or women who are trying to become pregnant or breastfeeding women, so don't do eeet!!!

OK - I think I've filled your heads with enough useless information for now (: See ya later!

LOVE IT!!

So many good things!! First, 225.8 - yip yip!! SO CLOSE to my 10 pound goal - SO CLOSE! Next, had a kick butt guided meditation yesterday that flipped me upside down and shook out my pockets. Truly - I came up and felt like I had been filled with warm goodness from the bottom to the top for the very first time in my life. No kidding. Totally amazing. So many revelations and so much joy. It is just outstanding. And I obviously STILL feel that way this morning. I am very blessed. Didn't get to do my stretches this morning. Nut I will get to it.

The whole family is going to the Elks Club tonight - so so excited to go out as a family on a Friday night. It's been ions since we've got to do that.

Can I just say that I am uncomfortable with being so happy. Grin.

Gotta get ready to go to school with the kids, but one thing I wanted to pass to folks - if you're into "whoo whoo" spirituality you should check out this series of speakers. It's FREE and it's where I got my guided meditation yesterday. Truly exciting stuff from the whoo whoo crowd: www.healingwiththemasters.com. It rocked me yesterday - no kidding whatsoever.

xoxo,

Benni

Still going down

226.4 - down .4 pounds from yesterday. Still that's not like last week at all. I know there are two things that I did yesterday that could have cause me to plateau - I worked out and I had more than two glasses of red wine @ Top Model with my friends. But, I'm back on it and more determined than ever to keep it going. At LEAST the scale is going down. That is good. Still, Saturday is my cheat day and I would like to maybe get to my first goal before then. Today is Thursday so we have time.

I am feeling better about the other stuff, too. Turning more over to the universe to solve, being more positive, taking care of myself. This stuff is all important. Talking to my friends and my sponsor helps a lot! And gives me perspective on my journey as a whole. I love hanging out with my friends, but it makes for a longgg night. Yawn.

Anyway, hope everyone is set to have a wonderful day! You're my peeps!

Getting My Emotional Ass Handed to Me and Other Wonders...

There is stuff that just sets me off. I have an itchy trigger finger in certain areas in my life - still. I have been working on cranking down this itchy trigger finger for years and years and years, and every time I have a moment where I am less than perfect at controlling it, I get really down. "This will never change." "I'm an emotional cripple." "It will always be like this." I always wanna eat when that stuff happens. Eating is so friendly and grounding.

Well, my trigger finger went off last night. And when I went for spiritual guidance, it went like this: "You have some choices to make about how you wanna react to shit and that's about the size of it. Now get out there and get busy."

It sucks being reactive. It's such a hard thing to shake. It literally takes practice, which I am going to have to commit to. I need to commit to practicing control over my reactions, or once this thing is over, I will turn to high carb foods to ward off the sadness that comes from being so fricking human.

I know exactly where I get it from, and that doesn't keep me from doing it. So I am just going to have to practice not doing that!!!! Ugh. to be continued....

Also - DON'T EAT YAMS if you are on this diet, says the woman who just ate about a 1/2 cup of yams with her meal. I'm sure it will be OK in the broad spectrum of things and I won't notice a huge hit to my weight loss, but I wondered if those sweet little boogers weren't verboten, and it turns out they are. Strike 2 for the day.....

BTW - weigh in today = 228.6, a whole .2 pounds loss from yesterday. NO YAMS!

Also, I thought that this might be a good place to put the rules of what to look at when you plateau on this plan. If you look at these things and address them you are supposed to continue losing weight:

- not eating within a 1/2 of waking.

- not eating enough protein.

- Not drinking enough water.

- Not strictly adhering to the diet.

- Changes with your cycle

- Domino foods

– Artificial sweeteners

- Over exercising

The things that might be an issue for me are the YAMS, I need new salsa because mine has fruit in it (must have subconsciously wanted fruit when I picked it up, although I put on just enough for flavor - a very small amount), and the water thing. I could also eat a bit more food. I haven't been very hungry so I have been eating my three meals a day and that's it. No snacks or anything.

Well, tomorrow is another day. I will be working out today but nothing too strenuous.

See ya.

Back to Business

Today I am at 228.9 (I should say that the weigh-in the day after cheat day was 229.6 - that was pretty dramatic considering that was 1 day of eating and I did NOT gorge myself). So still headed downward. Looking forward to a day of exercise for me and the kids.

I have been busying my hands at night with crocheting - LOVE IT! Just finished a hat for June and have already started one for LoLo (see my Facebook wall for picture of the hat). That and a big mug of herbal tea is getting me through the evenings just fine. I'm not hungry at all during the day, I have to say. Most of the time I need to make myself eat. This diet that I'm on is not the kind of food that I would normally eat all the time. Maybe that's the point. The stuff I was eating all the time has a lot of sugar in it, as it turns out. Our ancestors ate when they hunted and they ate things that they found. They did not normally eat out of celebration, and when they did it was not a daily occurrence. It was something they did because they just had a successful hunt or some other significant score. Hunters and gatherers didn't have Mighty O doughnuts that they justified eating because they are vegan. They just didn't. They mostly had what I'm eating - protein and scattered veg and fruits (I am not eating the fruits at present - too much fructose). Vegan stuff still has sugar, and apparently my body is, well, like a cop in a doughnut shop when it comes to sugar. It soaks it up and turns it into fat right away and stores it away for the next Snopacalypse. Or not - maybe it just stores it away for Tuesday. Ugh.

Anyway, last night I had a garlic and olive oil seared chicken breast with sauteed Brussels sprouts and shaved garlic. It was good. It does not make me not miss the foods I used to eat, but it's a means to an end. I know there's people reading this thinking, "Diets don't work. You should just be counting calories and exercising." Those people have not had my experience. I'm doing everything I can to make this change as permanent and substantial as I possibly can. I have really struggled for three years and this so far is the only thing that has come close to working, and it is working. I'm not a nutritionist or a doctor, but I am the only expert available for my body. And this is what's working right now. I need to lose weight and I really think that what I'm doing is giving me what I need and more. I am hoping for the best of success!

That's it for now. Love to all!

Cheat Day was AWESOME!

Eating yesterday was fun. And yet I knew it wouldn't last, and I'd be back to my old slow-carb eatin' ways today. I made Avanti's bread yesterday, and we had Kashi pizzas with bacon for lunch and spaghetti (my favorite) for dinner. Nom nom nom!

I did weigh myself out of curiosity today. It went up. DIRECT CORRELATION between carbs and weight gain for me. Good information to have. And yet it is promised in the book that these days are actually good for weight loss!

For those of you involved in the weight loss challenge to support Climb For Kids, I am posting my link here again today:

http://climbforkids.org/donate/new?climber_id=50&event_id=14

Most folks are donating $1 - $5 per pound before the climb. I'd also like to encourage people to consider summit bonuses. I intend to go ALL THE WAY UP this year, not just to the Saddle.

I have to say that salsa saves me on this diet. I heart salsa. You need a good condiment to make things pop, and salsa does it for me! It will not replace the peaches and creme ice cream I ate last night, but it will help me enjoy what I'm eating on the other days more. And what I'm doing on the other days allows me the success that I have wanted to for so long! It feels like the beginning of something positive.

I was just noticing, though, that on the day I ate vegetarian (this was the day that I skippied the blog to let others focus on the Japanese tsunami) that I didn't lose any weight. Certainly I know those days are coming and it would only be helpful for me to have days where I don't lose weight, for crying out loud, but that day I didn't. That makes me sad because I love opting for vegetarian food. It's kind of an easy way to lower your carbon footprint. And it is supposed to be way healthier, but maybe for me vegetarianism will be something that I can pull out more often in my cheat days or in my maintenance portion.

I have to say that I am going to have to work on maintaining. I have to check in with myself each day. The old me would let many months go by before getting on a scale, or resuming her exercise, or doing anything except eating ice cream every night. I was just watching The Amen Solution on public television last night, and he was also mentioned by my new psychiatrist (yep - shrinking my head), and lots of what he said made real sense. There is a direct relationship between childhood trauma and how your brain works to give you your relationship with food and your chemical ability to process that food (excess cortisol stores, off-balance endocrine system, etc.). I agree - that has been my experience absolutely, and my experience is that friends that I have who've had similar experiences to me often have these same patterns of weight gain and relations to food. Food for thought for sure!

OK - gotta go. Lots to do (:

Guess who's day off it is?!?!?

And a well-deserved on, too!!! 227.8! That's a 7 pounds loss in the first WEEK! And no - I did not skip meals or anything like that. I only worked out TWICE this week. TWICE! And I loved it when I did. 227.8! That rocks. I "think" it's working. Who would have EVER thought I'd be excited about weighing 227.8! NOT ME!!! But, it is the motivational means to an end.

I even went to a kid's birthday party last night and didn't have any cake, ice cream or soda. That's like the Homer Simpson passing a block of 400 slices of American cheese and saying, "No thank you." This is what I was missing - motivation provided by results! Calorie counting was flat out NOT working for me at all. Although, here's the deal. I need to finish the 4 Hour Body book, because I am curious how one maintains such success. That is a challenge. Also, I MUST work in my insides. MUST MUST MUST!

I met a woman last night at the birthday party, and she asked why I wasn't having any cake and I told her why, and she said, "Oh yeah, that sounds like Body For Life. I was on that once and I went from a 226 to a 140!" Guess how long ago THAT must have been and what she weighed now. It wasn't 146 I assure you. She was back to her cake batter eating weight. Ugh. I will NOT do this again, because I promise you it would not work the next time. I have tried to restart Weight Watchers 4 times since the girls were born - didn't work again. And I lost 64 pounds using that system in 2002-2003. But it did not have the same effect these last times as it did that time.

Anyway, today is the 4 Hour Body "cheat day." I just tried to take a bite of some of that cake from last night and ACK! TOO SWEET!! The cake part was OK but it was like I could taste every grain of sugar in the thing. Not what I was hoping for. It's still sitting there. I do so miss lattes but can't have coffee now (not related to the diet - this is a medication thing), so I shall have some hot chocolate this morning. YUM! I have also promised pancakes to the chicken. Yippee!

I am wondering if I want to weigh myself tomorrow and I don't think I will, because I do not want to discourage myself from taking the cheat day, and it's one of the rules of the diet. Plus, I bet you that not everything will taste as nasty as that cake! I do loves me some food, in case you didn't know (:

OK - Happy Cheat Day, everyone! And love and light to Japan, of course, this morning. May your reactors continue to be sound.

WHOA! Well hello, workout...

228.8 today. No fooling. I must have had a good day yesterday, or a bunch of the water weight from my cycle is now gone. Either way, I'll take it! I did work out yesterday. Elliptical with dive weights on my ankles and 2.5 pound free weights in each hand for about 50 minutes. cha cha cha!

You see, I'm fat, but I'm also really strong! I know that there are more of you out there like me, who need SERIOUS cardio just to shed! I'm one of those. I climbed almost all the way to the summit on Ruth Mountain last year in rented gear on my very first mountaineering experience 2 pounds heavier than I am now! I AM STRONG! So when I work out I have to really lay it on thick to see results, because I am so strong in the first place.

Yesterday as a whole was laughably bad in terms of the rest of my life. My short sale listing fell through yesterday. I got a 1 star rating on Yelp from these people that apparently make a career of smearing people on yelp! I stopped at my office last night to get new hire paperwork for someone and when I left I had got a $43 parking ticket! ARGH! So, I had 4 glasses of wine @ Top Model last night. Had to wait until almost midnight to go home - HA! And still this is apparently OK because here I am. I had not expected the scale to go down that far. Again, I'll take it. But I need some SLEEP! Was out with the preschool moms the night before and Top Model last night (thanks, Kay for regaling me with all those awesome YouTube videos last night - that party took a turn for the douche!).

OK, so I guess it's safe to say that even though yesterday made me sad, that in general I am feeling happy today. Did ya hear that? Happy. Yeehaw.

The Chicken Skin Diet

Weighed in this morning at 231.4 - down an additional pound. I also realize that after my cycle I naturally sluff water weight. But I did pretty well at sticking to the plan yesterday. I did have two glasses of wine after the preschool parent meeting, which is included in the 4 Hour Body allowances, and I had a piece of cheese at the parent meeting, which is not included in the plan, or in my diet for that matter, because I'm allergic to casein. But dude I LOVE ALL THE STUFF I'M ALLERGIC TO! I LOVE EGGS. I LOVE CHEESE. I don't love kidney beans but I'm also allergic to them. Who else in the world is allergic to kidney beans?!? Me, I guess.

MAN I had some rough moments yesterday. At one point I made some impromptu hummus with a can of black eyed peas, some Goddess dressing and garlic cloves. That, as it turns out, is tasty. Nothing made my headache go away for long, except after the evening meal - roast chicken and mixed veggies, which was so tasty. I like any diet that allows for chicken skin. I don't think anyone else in my house got any chicken skin at all! Juzzz me. yum yum. It's the little things, really.

Well, I should chart my weight. According to my Mind and Body coach I'm not supposed to be weighing myself this much, but the first week, especially when the scale is going down, is SO FUN! It is an everyday reminder that even if it's a fluke, something might, just might, be going right. I like that. It's something to do each morning to say, "You know how you wanted to gauge your eyes out yesterday afternoon. Well don't, because this might be working, you might be hot later and you'll need your eyes for that." And other things, but isn't hotness important. It is to me!

I have spent time thinking about all the new clothes I might buy. Beyond that I also recognize that I must come correct internally also. This is not my first trip to the rodeo, as I alluded to before. I don't think that what is happening to my body right now is especially gentle, or can just be duplicated over and over and over. So when I do this, in order to maintain what I've done, I have to gain some real recovery on the inside, so that I want and need this internal standard. And so that my future is not just thinner, but happier. Actually happier from the inside out.

The truth is the last time I got thin I had no idea how co-dependent I was, how crazy I was, how much I needed people, places, and things to make me feel OK. I was just thin, and that was good. I modeled, I danced burlesque, I drank like a fish! I wasn't a drunkorexic but there were definitely days where I left food out so I could put drinks in and still lose weight. Not cool. Not healthy. I lost my gallbladder from all the stones I put in there by losing weight so fast. And that's the truth. Due to rapid weight loss I had my only surgery ever. I don't want that kind of life - where I have to destroy myself one way or the other in order to maintain anything like balance, which never really truly feels balanced at all!

But, I'm going through the steps of recovery. I had a very powerful conversation with my brother this weekend and got out some really old stuff that I was carrying around. So important to do stuff like that. I really hope that ultimately it is healing and that is helps to change my perspective to the point where I am more centered more of the time.

Wow - geesh I wrote a lot. Love love love to you all!

Blah Blah Blah

It's going to take me a minute to come up to speed on this thing. Weighed in at 132.6 today. Probably just a variation in water weight that accounts for that. But we'll see. I won't even believe that it's anything near real until I'm below 220. That's probably not fair to myself, but since the girls were born I've had innumerable false starts on this weight loss thing. I really hope that I have found something that will work for me. It gets depressing, and depression usually leads to me backing off and going back to my old ways. I really don't want that. I really want to hang on.

Maybe if I could just commit to doing this cycle for 30 days to see what happens. Turns out that I have a real problem with commitment, too, of all kinds. That might seem strange coming from someone who has spend most all of her adult life in a relationship (I've been "single" for 1 year 6 months of the last 18 years - no kidding), but it's true. Commitment means that I'm going to have to follow through. It's the "have to" part. "I have to....". Does any one ever really want to do something that they "have to" do?!? But, it's do something or do nothing and complain about it or live life feeling guilty and slightly less lovable, like I need help with THAT, right??

And no - I did not blow it last night. I went to bed with two books, my journal, a thermal mug of hot Moroccan mint tea and that's it. Duplicating that will, I fear, require me day after day confessing what I've done the day before. My - this all sounds so positive right now.....

I am looking for confidence. I know that this is part of the quest - a quest for a return to some kind of confidence. I had it very briefly, for a period of time from the end of 2002 through 2004. I had this belief in myself. But then, things changed - life, relationships, my place in them, and in turn how I felt about myself changed a lot. I've been "recovering" since 2006 in one form or fashion, and while I don't hope to graduate from my recovery program, I'm hoping to get some confidence back especially in this area. I question myself a lot - most all the time in most situations, and that is very tiring. No wonder I'm always so tired. That, and the weight are tiring, in addition to two jobs - one that pays less than nothing right now and sucks, and one that is doing pretty well but that I'm still struggling to be full competent in, and one which I'm having trouble growing because of the economy and because my REAL full-time job is caring full-time for two toddlers. I struggle to find any time in the day to relax at all, and when I do, I usually just want comfort and peace. I don't always get that. There are a few things in this life that just cause constant stress.

Recognize also that I am on my monthly cycle right now. I think this adds to my dark little cloud as of late. I'm also going through a therapy and treatment process that has not as of yet had the results that I want in my mental awareness area of my life, but I'm going to keep trying.

I knoow this seems like a lot. I know I feel a little negative right now. It doesn't mean that I want to make excuses or give up. I don't want to give up. I know, somewhere deep down inside, even if it's not on the surface just now, that I am worth it, and that I can love myself the way I want to at some point. I'm sure that it's coming.

New Beginnings

This morning - weighed in at 234. That's only 3 pounds less than when I rolled out of the hospital with two new little girls in car carriers. Sigh. This morning started out with some Celestial Seasonings tea (which manages to have some sweetness without any sugar - nice), and surveying the changes in our garage - my husband is pursuing his prey - one large rat that is living out there. We just brought the dog food back in. And he took apart the whole kit and caboodle out there trying to eliminate places to hide.

When he's out there, doing stuff like that, I get nervous. I take blame in my heart. "I bet I did something to draw the rats." And then I hide. And then I usually eat something to calm myself. I did eat lst night while he was doing it, but that was more of a "tomorrow you won't be allowed to eat ice cream for 6 days" eat as opposed to anything else. But, there is some truth to the combination of my internal processing of what happens in our house when there is a crisis and the ingestion of food. The ingestion of anything, really. I need comfort. I need support. I need to find a new source of that - comfort and support. I have several, but there are not always there in my house when the feeling of "I'm not good enough" comes up. But they COULD be. I could call a friend, even one in the Program. I could read some literature or a novel or something. I could cuddle my kids. I could go out and find some support if that's available to me. There are things I can do besides eating. I know that.

This afternoon went OK I guess. But I'm feeling uncertain and shaken a little - something that I would usually calm with "something." Now I just have thoughts. Wow - thoughts can be toxic little things, can't they? I am told that the whole point is to be in the moment, let the thoughts come and just do what comes next, the next healthy thing. Without revealing too much of what unsettles me, I'm frankly not sure of anything sometimes - most of the time, really. And I don't know what the next healthy thing is. Double Sigh. I need to call someone and talk it out. I am sure it's nothing but it feels weird - this feeling. I am promising myself to call someone and work it through. In fact - meaning to call someone around 5. Right now that's just an hour away.

Beyond that, the food thing is easy today. Propbably because it's new and it's a game at this point. Although I must say that eveing is always my hardest time. When it's quiet and the kids have drifted off and all the adults have gone off to their coners to do their own thing, I crave comfort. I love food at night. It keeps me company. Hurumph.

So I guess when I check in tomorrow morning I'll know more about how "easy" it is. Right now it's easy to keep busy. And really it always should be easy. I think it comes down to being restless right around the time that I should be quieting my mind. I have a hard time doing that.

Love to all.

A Thousand Mile Journey Begins with One Step

I am finally ready, I think. I say I think because I feel like I've tried this before 100 times. I am trying to lose weight. And since my kids were born it's gotten a little harder than before. I think it also doesn't help that I've lost significant weight three times, and then gained it back.

So what will make this time different? You know, I'm not really sure that anything will make it different. But I'm trying to shed a few different kinds of layers and not just the layers that are physical. They say for true weight loss to stick you have to get rid of the mental and physical conditions that are keeping you unhealthy. So what are my mental conditions? Well, there are many. But the mental conditions require me to apply recovery strategies, which I am doing on a consistent basis. What are they? Well, first, I belong to a 12-Step Program, and I believe one day at a time that it is allowing me to speak my truth, and to become more truthful with others. Not every day will be perfect, but this allows me a basis with which to get back on the right track when I get derailed. Now, when I am lonely and feeling abandoned, I am trying one moment at a time to turn to a friend rather than to a food. I am trying to recover. I am trying every day to take better care of myself, to raise my own vibration and to heal myself. And the rest I am turning over to a power greater than myself.

And what are the physical things that are keeping me back? I have a slower metabolism than I used to. It won't respond to calorie counting and exercise the same way that it used to. I have felt a little betrayed by my body. But I believe that even I can change. And I can perhaps change this ratio by using a different approach.

Hence, the launch o fthe 4 Hour Benni. I'm listening to The 4 Hour Body on CD right now, and tomorrow I begin my slow carb diet. So, what is a slow carb diet? As far as I can tell, the steps are easy to list, and maybe a little harder to follow, especially at first, but here it goes:

1. Avoid white carbohydrates - sugarm flour, rice, pasta - even the brown and whole grain variety. No potatoes, starches or sugar of any kind on your "slow carb days (6 a week).
2. Eat the same few meals over and over again.
3. Don't drink calories (except the occassional glass of red wine)
4. Don't eat fruit on your slow carb days
5. Take one day off a week - it's good for you

So, I am hoping that stemming insulin production and using this tool will help me to shift things into the right direction. I'm also hoping that publically posting my trials will help me and others to make the journey to completion.

So, what's my motivation? I have quite a few things that are pushing me in the right direction. First, my children. I want to give them a good example of health! I want to do better for myself so they can do better for themselves.

Second, your "before" picture never lies. Here's mine. It doesn't lie. This is not what I wish to look like. I don't want to be pre-diabetic (I'm not, but it runs in my family), and I don't want to be too heavy to effectively run and jump with my kids. I don't want bad knees. I want a solution for my physical problem.

Third, I'm climbing this mountain on June 25th! I tried last year and didn't make it to the top. I went quite far but not all the way. I'm climbing for this organiztion, and if you wish to donate to my climb or learn more about the organization, you can follow this link to my climb page: http://climbforkids.org/donate/to/jennifer-benni-sack-ruth-mountain-2011 . I am hoping to lose at least one pound a week, amd am encouraging my friends and family to donate a target unit per pound ($1, $5, $10, or more per pound) to this organization to go towards my climb this year. So I don't want to let anyone down, especially the kids! There are 15 weeks and 6 days so my goal is to shoot for at least 16 poinds lost before my climb. Wish me luck!

So, that's it. It all starts tomorrow. Yes, there will be workouts involved for sure. I am going to take it slow and steady to allow my body to assimilate the changes. I want this to last. I am ready. I think.