It's going to take me a minute to come up to speed on this thing. Weighed in at 132.6 today. Probably just a variation in water weight that accounts for that. But we'll see. I won't even believe that it's anything near real until I'm below 220. That's probably not fair to myself, but since the girls were born I've had innumerable false starts on this weight loss thing. I really hope that I have found something that will work for me. It gets depressing, and depression usually leads to me backing off and going back to my old ways. I really don't want that. I really want to hang on.
Maybe if I could just commit to doing this cycle for 30 days to see what happens. Turns out that I have a real problem with commitment, too, of all kinds. That might seem strange coming from someone who has spend most all of her adult life in a relationship (I've been "single" for 1 year 6 months of the last 18 years - no kidding), but it's true. Commitment means that I'm going to have to follow through. It's the "have to" part. "I have to....". Does any one ever really want to do something that they "have to" do?!? But, it's do something or do nothing and complain about it or live life feeling guilty and slightly less lovable, like I need help with THAT, right??
And no - I did not blow it last night. I went to bed with two books, my journal, a thermal mug of hot Moroccan mint tea and that's it. Duplicating that will, I fear, require me day after day confessing what I've done the day before. My - this all sounds so positive right now.....
I am looking for confidence. I know that this is part of the quest - a quest for a return to some kind of confidence. I had it very briefly, for a period of time from the end of 2002 through 2004. I had this belief in myself. But then, things changed - life, relationships, my place in them, and in turn how I felt about myself changed a lot. I've been "recovering" since 2006 in one form or fashion, and while I don't hope to graduate from my recovery program, I'm hoping to get some confidence back especially in this area. I question myself a lot - most all the time in most situations, and that is very tiring. No wonder I'm always so tired. That, and the weight are tiring, in addition to two jobs - one that pays less than nothing right now and sucks, and one that is doing pretty well but that I'm still struggling to be full competent in, and one which I'm having trouble growing because of the economy and because my REAL full-time job is caring full-time for two toddlers. I struggle to find any time in the day to relax at all, and when I do, I usually just want comfort and peace. I don't always get that. There are a few things in this life that just cause constant stress.
Recognize also that I am on my monthly cycle right now. I think this adds to my dark little cloud as of late. I'm also going through a therapy and treatment process that has not as of yet had the results that I want in my mental awareness area of my life, but I'm going to keep trying.
I knoow this seems like a lot. I know I feel a little negative right now. It doesn't mean that I want to make excuses or give up. I don't want to give up. I know, somewhere deep down inside, even if it's not on the surface just now, that I am worth it, and that I can love myself the way I want to at some point. I'm sure that it's coming.
I am really interested to see the progression of your emotion through these posts. I recognize the feeling of being overwhelmed and scared. I think that as the new scary thing becomes more of an integrated part of your life, you'll look back on it and wonder why you were so worried. Ok, maybe that's putting a bit of a rosy glow on it. It won't necessarily always be a trajectory of increasing ease. But I think that by talking these things out with yourself, and sharing them with us, you'll be begin to build strength and commitment. Something I try to remind myself is that I have a choice: I can either choose the perspective that I "have to" do something, or that I "get to" do it. Sometimes that's harder to swallow that others, but when you start to notice differences in your body, your strength, endurance and energy level, then at least for me, it starts to feel worth it. It starts to feel like I AM making positive changes, and my body is responding. You'll get there. And you have us - either in the background or the foreground... your choice!) cheering you on. Go get 'em!!
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